Tuesday, February 26th - The World can be Tough on a Bottom

Since I went the DVR route a couple of years ago, I have been one of those people who actually plans their TV viewing to avoid as many commercials as possible. So, a lot of times, I will start a show 15 minutes in or wait until the next day, but when it comes to the reality shows, I tend to watch them live, especially if there is more than one on a night. This is mainly because places like Entertainment Weekly and other sites give reviews, and they're usually ever so kind to show a picture of the person who was ousted on that particular episode. Pretty annoying, but that is not the reason I'm writing this today.

No, I want to talk about a couple disturbing commercials that make me want to completely change the channel or just end my live TV practice. They are both toilet paper commercials. I really do understand and respect the fact that toilet paper companies have a problem advertising something that you use to wipe your ass, but (..butt..) there is just certain commercial imagery involved that I don't need to see. For christsakes, bring back Mr. Whipple! If they can resurrect the dead Orville Redenbacher, then anything is possible.

The first company is Charmin. For the past few years, they have been using cartoon bears to illustrate how their product is better. I get the whole bears pooping in the woods concept, but really, my somewhat juvenile mind goes to big gay bears in a leather bar, ... okay, I can't even continue the thought, but it's there.

Here is the first commercial I found on YouTube:



Obviously, the cub ate some gnarly berries or something because he's about to projectile shit across the forest. Again, diarrhea is a fact of life, but I don't need to see 2-D bears exclaim "I'm gonna need all this" just as his papa bear comes by to correct him. If my (fictional) kid were ever to do that, you know damn well I'd be running in the other direction. Also, I do not need the wonderful image of what your hand is going to look like if you use a competitor's, less absorbent variety. First of all, they're spraying in on there, which is a gross image in itself. Second of all, only Sheryl Crow uses one piece of TP, so is that really a good comparison? Finally, the tag line: "Best for a Bear Behind" .... Well, I am happy that the leather daddies, cubs, and otters have a preferred brand. *queue the music for the Blue Oyster Bar*

After I found the above video, this one pooped...I mean...popped up on the menu, and I think it must be a European Charmin ad, just because it is a kind I haven't seen before.



Now, there are so many things wrong with this commercial, I do not even know where to start. First of all, why is the bear on an island? Is this LOST? Second of all, who is the poor sap who had to count the 6,009 "AbsorBubbles?" Third of all, EWWWWWWWWWW, they show how good the "AbsorBubbles" are by POURING liquid down a strip of it. Again...EWWW! Frankly, if your's is that liquefied (or BLUE...what is this Smurf shit?), then you have a lot more problems on your hands (ha!) than TP without "AbsorBubbles."

Okay, for the last commercial, we are switching companies to Cottonelle, which recently started a lovely campaign with the tag line that is also the title of this entry: "The World can be Tough on a Bottom...Be Kind to Your Behind" Seriously... Yes, my juvenile gay mind goes there...



First thing I want to say is, will someone punch Zac Braff in the mouth for voicing the precocious canine. I've never been a fan of Scrubs, but this really has to be a career nadir for him. While I am grateful that Cottonelle didn't go to the graphic lengths of Charmin to show how much better for your behind their product is, I think the dog with a butt fetish is a bit much. Of course, I gotta address the language, which if taken out of context by a juvenile gay man such as myself could sound like a Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary on a gay porn:

"No, don't sit on it!"
"Yeah, that's gotta hurt!"
"Look out, it's hot!"

Not to mention "The World can be Tough on Bottoms" could so be a title or subtitle for a porn.

Shitting is pretty much the great equalizer. No matter how much better someone thinks they are, we all know they poop and fart like the rest of us. Yes, even Brad and Angelina. So, for me, the big issue is that toilet paper isn't something that really needs advertised. We all need toilet paper, and if you're me, I'm going to buy whatever is on sale or with a coupon. I'm not exactly brand loyal as long as it isn't the scratchy, one-ply tissue paper every school seems to have. So please Charmin and Cottonelle, PLEASE find a better way to advertise!

Mr. Whipple, rest in peace...*


*Did you know Mr. Whipple died on November 19, 2007, which just so happened to be World Toilet Day?