I know it is Tuesday, and not only do I owe you a Tuesday Talk topic, I also still need to do my Obama rant and French Lick Pumpkin Festival retrospective. Don't worry, those things are still in my head. However, I need to blog about something else, and it is something that is probably pretty familiar to my regular blog readers.
Since Monday morning, I have been fielding ominous texts from Tyler. By ominous, I mean they are devoid of the pet name stuff that most couples do in private but make other people gag uncontrollably. There were also cryptic texts about "games" and other stuff, that frankly, I had no idea what he was talking about. Backing up, he works 3rd Shift, and Sunday night when I got home from French Lick, we talked on the phone before he went to work and everything was great. By Monday morning, the weird texts started, with the loaded response of he had surfed the internet for most of the night at work and discovered a "plethora of info." I decided to just let this stuff go because I had a lot on my plate at work, and I didn't have time to deal with what was basically becoming a two week pattern with us - two weeks of absolutely manic joy and then something that causes an absolutely depressive low (word choice intended). Of course, being the obsessive that I am, the more the day went on the more annoyed and pissed off I became, and when he woke up on Monday night and tried to text or call me, I didn't respond at all.
Around 9 or 10, I responded to one of his questions, and things seemed to be thawing a little until he launches into more crap, which basically boils down to the fact that I have a membership on RealJock.com, which is the place that I printed off my aborted workout from a couple of weeks ago. RealJock also has a social networking component ala MySpace, which is what pissed him off the most. He doesn't want someone he's dating being a member at every gay site out there, which I can understand on a certain level, though, of course, my membership in these sites predate me knowing him at all. Plus, I am member in a legion of sites that I probably do not even remember visiting. So, this morning, I was issued the order that I can either have the websites or date him. To which I responded, verbatim: "I am sorry. I choose trust over ultimatums, and if you are so small to not be able to handle me going onto [a site like] RealJock to print off a workout, then there is no point. Every two weeks [or so] you find something else to be pissed off about, and I have let you treat me this way. I won't anymore. Good Luck!"
Am I that dedicated to the websites to give up a sometimes great relationship? Absolutely not! Though I am a child of the internet and it plays a very active part in my existences, I would not choose it over a loved one. However, what he is leveling at me really has nothing to do with the internet. Pretty much from the beginning of our relationship, he has been lobbing ultimatums at me about things I need to change to stay with him: from my excessive reliance on sarcasm to my internet usage. Heck, one of the original things that got me in trouble was the high amount of hot guys on my MySpace profile, even though I hadn't really talked to the majority of them. I actually started the process of deleting some of them until I just came to the realization that this had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with his inability to trust me. Granted, he had just been cheated on by a boyfriend who did use those sites for hooking up, but I am not his ex.
What it really comes down to is: how much am I willing to change myself to make someone else happy? Of course, I understand I have habits that need amending, and I am willing to make nips and tucks here and there to please someone else. However, I refuse to be remade into the image of what someone else considers perfect. While him and I are the same age, we have definite differences on how we approach things. He doesn't have cable television. I watch an inordinate amount of TV. I have been hooked on the internet since 1993, and he hasn't even had a computer at home until recently. So, his view on things concerning being online are extremely off the reservation from mine. The big thing here is that I am willing to allow him the things that makes him happy. I never issued him ultimatums that he spends too much time with his birds, plants, or "stuff" around the house. However, I had to change to make him happy, which begs the question, do I make him happy at all?
Wrapping this up. I did and do love him. Yes, I know, three months is not enough time to ever say the big "L" word, but what we had burned brightly. I make no apologies for that. He has a lot of the qualities that I have often sought in a partner, but I have not had the pleasure of witnessing until now. I really do wish him the best in the future, but I cannot continue to be in a relationship where I have to prepare for the next flare up. He may read this and be extremely upset by it, but it is my side of the story, which oddly has gotten lost in a lot of our discussions. During the last flare up, I talked to one of my therapist friends here at work, and she said something to me that I have taken to heart. "People treat us the way we allow them to treat us." I allowed him to think that I was so malleable that I would just accept the ultimatums. I am not doing that anymore. As much as I love him, I am not willing to lose myself in the process, no matter how happy he made me, and in any relationship so far in my life, he made me happier than I have ever been. Unfortunately, he also made me feel worse about myself than anyone has ever had the ability to do. So, this is it for us. I hope he can learn to trust people again.
1 comment:
That was an interesting read. I'm glad you aren't going to let ultimatums rule. I'm no advocate of couples breaking up, but I think there needs to be some kind of trust and give and take for something to be healthy.
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