Thursday, May 8th - The Greyness

Today is a grey day...

For me, I can handle every sort of weather pattern except for grey and rainy days. If I lived in Seattle, I am pretty sure I would have offed myself by now, because the weight of days of rain bears down upon me like the depths of the ocean in the Mariana Trench.

Today is a grey day...

Death.

Death and impending death have never been something that I have been equipt to handle. I understand that death is something that all must experience at some point in our lives, but I have never found pleasure in the tranquility of a cemetery or peace in the confines of a funeral home. It is not that I am particularly afraid of my own death or that I will be hopelessly lost by the death of people close to me, but I have an intrinsic empathy for those who are suffering, which includes the souls of people who may no longer be on this mortal coil. As much as people scoff, I do believe in ghosts, and I do feel that I have seen and felt them at many points in my life. Which is why I gain no solace from cemeteries, funeral homes, and even in hospitals where miracles occur every minute of every day. My mind often fixates on those who's lives have been cut short, and I am overcome with an overwhelming melancholy that I can only fight by not facing it and retreating into myself.

Today is a grey day...

I have received word from my mother, that my grandmother, who had successful surgery to replace two heart valves on Tuesday, and whom has remained uncommunicative and unable to recognize people, may have suffered a stroke, which is a convergence of best case and worst case scenarios that cannot be considered favorable by any stretch of the imagination. I am trying to prepare myself mentally for my trip to the hospital - alone - to see the strong, formidable woman who has such a tremendous impact on my life, imprisoned in a body that has rebelled against her.

Ever the stoic, I was doing a pretty good job of holding myself together, even when I started to write this, but it was at this moment, that the gods decided to throw me an ironic curve ball, with my internet radio randomly playing "Into the West" by Annie Lennox from The Lord of the Rings. The song played as Frodo, Gandalf, and Galadriel boarded the ship at the The Grey Havens to take them across the ocean to the Undying Lands, which was Tolkein's substition for heaven. It is an achingly beautiful song, which is obviously about death, and when taken into consideration with the fact that it was my grandmother who first gave The Hobbit to me and created a life long love of all things Tolkein, I broke down. I sat at my desk and cried. I cannot remember the last time I actually truly cried, and I am not experincing any level of sweet release with it.

Obviously, I am not letting go of my grandmother yet, but I also need to work through my emotions so that I can be there for my mother and the rest of my family. No matter the outcome, the next few weeks are going to be rough for everyone, and I know my family counts on me to be the strong one. I know I could have kept the knowledge of my breakdown to myself, but I chose to share it with you, my friends. I will appreciate any thoughts and prayers that you will have for my grandmother, but I also want to posit that I will not want to talk about it beyond what I have said in this entry.

"Into The West"

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You’ve come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say: «We have come now to the end»
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Today is a grey day...