Tuesday, December 11, 2007 - Of Drunken Epiphanies and Holiday Parties (again)

Yesterday, I let go. I'm really not sure what caused it, but when I woke up, I felt free of the oppressive negativity about work that had been plaguing me since my disastrous review a couple of weeks before. Of course, if you read yesterday's post, you may surmise that it was because I was still drunk from Sunday night, but as I was buzzing (literally) around my apartment getting ready for work, I had this overwhelming feeling of release. No...I wasn't barfing.

All of this really came into focus, when a good friend of mine visited the shelter in her new capacity working with the homeless in Indianapolis. She had just been hired here as shelter director when I first started, and since we were both outsiders and were sharing the struggles of trying to break into a non-communicative group that had taken on the negative characteristics of their "fearless" leader, we had a pretty instant rapport. It was so awesome to see her, and since we hadn't talked in a while, I was able to process everything that had happened leading up to my current epiphany.

In a blog entry on another site in almost a different life, I used the hoary statement of making "lemonade out of lemons," and while I am not quite sure there is enough sweetener in the world to alleviate the sour taste a lot of the last two years has left in my mouth, I am resolving to not dwell on the negativity any longer. The fact of the matter is that this is my job, and until something else comes along, I have to be happy with the fact that I make the salary I do when so many others are suffering out there. Additionally, I love 95% of the people I work with, and frankly, I do not want my negativity to affect the stressful work they are already doing. I mean heck, who really wants to deal with a surly IT guy?

This is why I am (finally) relishing the organization of the holiday party. Yes, these things are like pulling teeth sometimes, but this is my opportunity to give back to the people who really matter in this organization. The ones who do the tough work with women and children on the verge.

I know this was a pretty somber (re: sober) post, but I just wanted to get that out there.