I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I have actually kind of missed it, but the last couple days have been stressful with my final report of the month of July. Yes, I know. The ^&$%# reports again. The darkly comic thing is that it is now the start of the month, which means monthly reports, but they are not nearly as bad as the ones I had to complete for July.
The rest of this blog is less than funny, and unless you want details into my brain, you should probably come back another day. I just need to vent!
Anyway, Wednesday has been deemed Drama Day because I've been dealing with some since the weekend with my relationship with Tyler. It is really kind of interesting how the old adage is true about passion that burns the brightest tends to burn out the fastest. I honestly do not think this is one of those compact, typically gay relationships. We really had a great connection from the very beginning, and frankly, the way we acted from the get go was more like a couple that had been together for a while than for the actual less than three weeks. I almost feel like an idiot for even typing three weeks, because it really doesn't account for how it felt.
Anyway, over the weekend, in a drunken bout of stupidity, I really made an ass of myself. I've been prone to bouts of hoof in mouth disease for quite some time, and since my personality tends towards the dark and sarcastic side of things, I tread the line of asshole a lot. I end up regretting it, and frankly, I dwell upon it for much too long -- longer than I am sure is healthy. Long story short, Tyler hadn't seen this side of me before, and he was pretty much mortified. Since he works in counseling, he analyzed me and came up with some pretty dead on evaluations, which since I've always been a rampant self-analyzer were no big surprise to me. He questioned my ability to make and keep friends, and in the realm of our relationship, scaring off "new and interesting" friends who might want to get to know us. Ouch. Yes. Not pleasant, but I listened. I took it all in because it is one thing to analyze yourself and come up with some pretty bad things, but it is another to hear someone else nail you to the wall with them. I've spent the last couple days pretty much in emotional turmoil, but I had finally decided that it was time for me to really start working on self-improvement.
I've always been pretty shy when it comes to talking to new people. The art of small talk tends to escape me. Plus, my tendency towards sarcastic and caustic humor tends to turn people off if they really don't know me. This is why I have a pretty small and tight group of friends. These people really get me, or they at least tolerate me. :) They are really all my best friends, and frankly, I do not know what I would do without them.
I could talk about the dark and twisty points of my mind for a long time, but I need to get to the real drama that exploded last night. Tyler and I got to the Metro around 9:30 to meet Blanche, Romeo, and Mom for our usual Tuesday night festivities and to celebrate Blanche's Karaoke Birthday (his real birthday is on Friday). This was going to be my first night of really working on being better at talking and engaging people. I know it sounds pointless to set these little goals..well maybe not pointless...how about hopelessly neurotic, but I am serious about working on my flaws. Anyway, we were waiting for everyone to arrive, and this guy, obviously an out of towner, came over and started talking to us. He was very attractive, but I made it pretty clear that Tyler and I were together. So, it is not like there was any flirtation or hopes for anything more than friendly chat (at least from our end). He was from Chicago, and this was his first time in Indy. In the back of my mind, I was thinking this was a good exercise for me. I was making friends with people who I have never met, and I certainly wasn't scaring away "new and interesting" friends, as Tyler put it. We talked for a while until Blanche and Romeo joined us, and once Mom got there, we assumed our normal position at Karaoke, while the guy stayed where he was.
As the night wore on, Tyler and I drank a lot. I was in pretty good control, but he was very inebriated. At one point, I can't even remember what we were doing, but he was talking with someone and I was talking with our new friend from Chicago. I mentioned to him that we (as in Blanche, Romeo, HR, and Mom) were going to be in Chicago for Market Days in a couple weeks, and he offered to give me his number since he was pretty new to the city and had had a good time talking with us. Well, this is where my mind should have stopped. I honestly was thinking to myself, A) I love Chicago and it is nice to have friends up there when we visit, and B) I had pretty much reached my goal of being friendly and outgoing. I was pretty happy with myself. Until...
Tyler got absolutely beside himself pissed off that I took another guy's number. Even though I had absolutely no intentions beyond the friendly, I can certainly see in hindsight how it appeared, but while I agree that I was in the wrong and I probably should have at least asked him first, the way he behaved after it was really awful. He proceeded to make a drunken scene in front of my friends and belittle me at pretty much every turn. He eventually stormed off to get a taxi to go home, but he was still in the bar when everyone decided it was time to leave. I texted him to offer him a ride home, and he basically told me to "fuck off." I decided to just go home. While I was at home, he continues to text me about how he's sitting with an ex of mine. Then the ex texts me to say Tyler doesn't have a ride home and that he is basically making a fool out of himself. So, I drive back down to the Metro to wait for Tyler to take him home. I am finally able to talk him down enough to get him into the car, and at first, it appeared we were going to be ok. However, he once again started in on me, basically telling me how awful I am. I do not say much of anything and just keep my eye on the road. I drop him off, and I go home. Then my phone starts ringing, and he wants to continue his drunken rant. I did something I never do, and I hung up on him. I was emotionally drained, and frankly, I did not want to sit and be badgered anymore. He called again, and instead of allowing it to go to voice mail, I simply flipped the phone up then back down again. I woke up this morning with a blank text, which I'm sure was probably a pleasant message that got lost in the ether.
So that is where I am this morning. I'm pretty sure this relationship is irreparable, and unless he has some sort of sobriety epiphany, he probably hates my guts for something that was pretty innocent but intensely stupid. We've both come from relationships where we've been cheated on. So, I cannot blame him for being upset, and he has mentioned on a number of occasions that he can be a jealous person. I just think the events of the weekend and the amount of alcohol last night just created a perfect storm, which unfortunately, seems to have wrecked any possibility of reconciliation. I am sorry that it came to this because I genuinely liked him, but I really think this was too much, too soon. The flame out was inevitable.
UPDATE: As I've been processing this today, I've been carrying on a periodic text message conversation with Tyler. He is sober and apologetic, but still feels that I was extremely disrespectful of him. I can understand his point of view, but unfortunately, by jumping to the worst possible conclusion, he basically paints me as a dastardly figure just looking at the first opportunity to cheat. It would be one thing if I were flirting and had romantic designs on this individual, but frankly, I was helping him try to hit on someone I was acquainted with. Further, if Tyler and my relationship were to progress, would I be prohibited to talk and befriend attractive men? Last week we met some straight women at a bar, and he commented that we should have gotten their number because they were friendly and fun. How is this any different?
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